Today, I change ages again. 47 - WOW! When did all that happen? Just yesterday I was 19, starting out my life and then I went to bed and BOOM - woke up at 47 years of age. Of course, that's not exactly what happened but it sure as hell felt like that.
The one thing you learn as you get older is that time waits for no one and moves at lightning speed. If you blink for too long, you miss everything. Truthfully, that's exactly what this year has been like. The year I closed my eyes for too long, and absolutely everything around me changed.
My world got flipped onto its axis and everything got really quiet for a long time. So many uncertainties, new rules, new circumstances to be governed by and so much loss. And that was just the pandemic. But, life in so many ways changed beyond that and I can never go back. For all of it, I am privileged to have lived through it and feel that all the lessons and experiences have humbled me.
This year, there has been so much that I needed to make peace with from the past. Things that I thought I left behind but didn't. Traumas lived through but never healed from. I honestly had no idea that I was still carrying them around with me. Perhaps that's what all the quiet was for. Maybe, I would never have noticed if the world didn't stop as it did. Sometimes, it's truly hard to hear the cries of your spirit with all the noise life brings.
It hasn't been an easy year but I genuinely believe it was meant to work out this way, for many of us. Of course, I never wanted or wished for any of this global heartache but, we seldom have control over some parts of destiny. Yet, if I am being honest with myself, I never would have had the strength or courage to give up, face, or go through all that I have. You see, sometimes God has to smash everything to pieces, in order to build something else with the broken parts. For how can you rise, without falling? You can't. It's literally and divinely impossible.
Recognizing that you have demons is never easy. Casting them out one by one from your life doesn't happen without fear, setback, or insecurity. But that's what must happen. You try to navigate your way in the dark, but you can't. And that may be the scariest thing of all. But what I'm learning is that even in the darkness it is possible for some light to get through. When it does, you may in fact see that some dark moments are necessary to see more clearly than you ever have before.
I have fallen from grace many, many times. I make no excuses about that. But, the thing about grace is that you can always find your way back to it - and that is what this year has truly been about for me.
I've always been the girl too afraid to recognize her blessings and never dared to ask for any more than what I had. Afraid because I never think that I can measure up to be the human that God created me to be, that God wants me to be. Too afraid to go after anything, for fear of failing. So, I never tried, and never believed that certain things were possible or meant for me. This is why new birthdays and new years make me so incredibly anxious because I fear the future instead of being excited about it. And I know this mindset really has to change. So, I'm working on it.
I heard something once. That if you have faith then you should never be afraid. That your belief should always be stronger than your fear. This morning, as I welcomed a new day, my birthday, I remembered that saying and it made me cry. I consider myself a woman of great faith but sadly, I have always been governed by fear. Apparently, the two elements cannot (or should not) ever exist in the same realm. I know that I should have more faith in myself and in the person God created me to be, but it's just so difficult sometimes. Again, another thing that I plan to work on.
What I am grateful for, is the opportunity to try again. Another chance or opportunity to seize the day. To learn more, love more, feel more, and grow. To mold myself into the woman I truly wish to be. To breathe more freely, dream more openly, and never be afraid of trying anything. Because the beauty of this life is to experience it, not just exist in it.
Today, I will wish for all of this when I blow out my birthday candles and hope that I am heard. Not by my creator but by my own spirit. God already knows what I'm capable of - he always has. It is I that needs to play catch up. What I will ask God for is overflow. To let him know that I will speak loudly and clearly from now on through my actions and intentions so that he knows that I am truly ready to be all that I was meant to be. No more hiding. No more fear of not measuring up. Whatever happens, is meant. Simply that, nothing more.
47, I want you to be remembered as the year I tried, truly tried, and became free.
Happy Birthday, my Girl! xo.