One of the hardest things to do when you're sharing your journey with others is to put your guard down, so they can see inside to the truest you. Showing your authentic self is excruciating at worst and incredibly difficult at best. But, when I chose to share my life story here with all of you, I promised that I would always be 100% organic and real at every turn. I honestly believe that it is through our hard times where we are taught the most valuable of lessons, and when we can truly help one another the most.
The rushing end to 2019 and the beginning of 2020 has been without question one of the shittiest of times. Thrown into a whirlwind of negative emotions, every day for the better part of 40 days (and counting).
Back and forth from feeling incredibly depressed and anxious to bitter anger, resentment and self-loathing of everything and everyone around me. Of course with that came periods where I could barely swallow water (let alone eat), followed by moments of insatiable appetite - where I could not contain myself. The past 40 days I have fallen back into the darkness. My anxiety, depression and eating disorder once again, taking centre stage in my life. Just when you think you're making progress, BOOM! A sucker punch out of nowhere, leaving you for dead.
As always, the only casualty - my body.
To paint a small picture for you...
Over Christmas and New Years, I had lost 18 pounds because I was too sad and tired to eat. In the past 3 weeks, I gained it all back because I didn't value my self-worth. What does it all matter anyway, right?
40 days and I was starting to really understand again how a person could feel so tired that death was looking more and more like the answer to everything. A scary thing to hear, I know. More scary to write, believe me. Yet, it was the truth. That was exactly how I was feeling.
I woke up and as usual, my first and only thought was the scale. So I went..
I am down 6 pounds again. 6 pounds in 3 days. Then I ate something not so good for breakfast and went back to bed - crying.
40 days... and when I woke up a moment ago, I felt that God was with me. He is always with me but felt him more so. Almost like a parent, brushing away the hair from a child's face. 40 days were spent being taunted by the darkness but today I woke up in the light and he is here to give me the strength to try again.
40 days, not 41 - because today is day 1 for me, once again, to begin living.