Dear Izabella and Zoey,
Normally, mothers write these kinds of letters when they are expecting or when their children are young, so that they may have something to pass on to them someday. Well, the truth is that neither is true for me. You are not in my tummy, nor are you sitting in my lap, playing. Sadly, you will never be in either of those places. So, it may seem strange that I am writing this to you because you don’t exist.
Although this was a decision I made (off and on) throughout my lifetime, it still sometimes breaks my heart. You may not be here with me, but you’ve always been in spirit. You see, I always wanted to have a little girl- well 2 to be exact. I would have named you both Izzy and Zoey. Izabella, I thought of you at a very young age and then Zoey, you came into my thoughts in university. You would have both been so close, the very best of friends and amazing sisters. You would have been so spunky, rebellious, and assertive -trying my patience every damn second. Zoey would be gentle, shy, and always inquisitive. Both the loves of my life and the keepers of my heart. But, it wasn’t meant to be.
Even though I wanted you both so much, I was too afraid to have you. I developed this thing inside me, this darkness, this monster that I later discovered was mental illness – and I was too afraid that I’d pass it on to you both. It made me so scared of everything. It felt like I couldn’t live, breathe, or just be free. At times, I still feel that way. So, I knew that I wouldn’t be a very good mom because of it. Aside from being devastated that either of you would inherit this from me, I also knew that this fear inside me wouldn’t allow you both to grow up and be free either. I would have probably stifled your energy, creativity, and sense of adventure because I’d be too scared to let you experience the world in all of its glory. Especially after all the ways, it swallowed me whole. I couldn’t do that to you, or her.
Besides my fear, I never had a man that could’ve remotely resembled a father for either of you. My choices were not the best and I wasted much of my own time trying to find love for me in their eyes – let alone one that would have deserved you calling him daddy. And now, it’s too late.
I know that it may seem silly to others, being that I never physically gave birth to either of you, but I feel that your energies and vibrations are a part of this world in some cosmic way – and you’re both a part of me spiritually somehow. You’ve become characters in the stories I have written and have often looked for you in the children I have around me. Not quite the same thing, but whenever I catch a glimpse of what either of you might have been like in them, I smile.
I am very close to another birthday. In a little over a month, I will be announced as 47. So, I think it is safe to say that I am never to overcome my fear of having you both, nor was it meant for me in God’s eyes. Again, something I have always known would play out this way, but yet still something that I regret and feel sad about. It is too late to turn back time now.
The reason for this letter is to say how truly sorry I am. I was wrong, so wrong. I should never have allowed my fears to dictate my choice of becoming a mother. I should have been stronger, fought harder, and claimed my power then – instead of crying over it now. I am living proof that you can never make a good decision while you play victim to your fears. It will kill you softly. So softly that you barely feel it coming.
You would have both been incredible women and me in awe of you, always. I am so sorry that I made myself believe that I could not have you, or been capable to raise you. It will always be one of the single, most painful regrets of my existence. When I think about all the things I could have taught you (all the things you both could have taught me), it just blows my mind. I hope that you can forgive me for the life I robbed from us all. I never meant to hurt us.
Little by little, piece by piece, I am building myself and trying to create a life that allows me to play down this fear that takes hold of me, a bit more every day. I don't want to miss out on the life I could have, simply because I'm afraid to live it. I try to do courageous things and get out of my comfort zone every chance I get but, It isn't easy. Most days, the fear becomes too overwhelming and all I want to do is be 12 again and jump under the covers of my bed. But, I know that if I run, that darkness will always win - so I fight with all that I have to stay focused.
All in all, I think I would have made a pretty cool mom and maybe even have made you both proud. The next lifetime will be different and perhaps we will finally have an opportunity to be a family. I'd really love that!
To all the Izabellas & Zoeys out there:
Although I may not be a mother, I think my roller-coaster life has given me much wisdom to share. So here are just a few tidbits:
Never be afraid because fear robs people of living. Love with all your heart even when it's in jeopardy of being broken because you were not created to love half way.
Don't ever believe that your self worth is attached to someone else, you have been given all you need to be enough, all on your own.
You are beautiful. Not because of your looks but because you honestly know that real beauty can’t be seen – only felt.
Always take care of your body and mind, because they are exquisite temples that God so masterfully created – just for you.
Be kind to everyone and change the world, because THIS is your sole purpose for being on this earth.
Don’t ever follow money, instead follow your passions, dreams, intuitions, and God – they will always keep your cup full.
Don’t worry about what others say. People are always scared of leaders, but know that you aren’t meant to follow.
And finally, always remember that greatness doesn’t start from the top, it rises from the bottom – so don’t be afraid to climb and place your star anywhere you want in the heavens. I know you’ll shine, no matter what.
This is what I would have taught and fought for with my girls, I only hope that if you're fortunate enough to call yourselves parents - you are doing the same!