Dating Wolves Who Paint With The Same Brush
The way people date today is probably one of the scariest things to experience. It's not only horrible to go through as a participant but equally painful to witness as a spectator.
I'm not saying that dating has ever been easy, both in past or present tense, but I find that today it's all become a cruel joke - at the cost of everyone!
Dating used to be exciting. Scary at times yes, but so much fun. The idea of living your life and putting yourself through different experiences, so that you could possibly find the person you were always meant to be with outweighed the possibility of heartbreak. The math was simple. In order to find love, you have to put yourself out there. The math is still that simple, but in today's world, something has shifted dramatically. It is almost as if both sexes are trying to outdo one another. It has become a battle of who can outshine the other, who can take what they want from the other (in record time) and move on to the next conquest. Now, I'm not saying that back in the day it wasn't hard, or painful, or disappointing at times; but today it's like playing Russian roulette with your life.
Dating has become an impulsive addiction in our world. We are no longer looking for someone to get to know and possibly fall in love with, we are only looking for people to conquer. It's not about giving or sharing yourself with someone else and adding to their lives, but rather about continuously taking from others and selfishly fulfilling our own needs. Whether we'd like to admit it or not, it has become a vicious game of psychological warfare!
I know that categorizing every man and woman in this situation is dangerous but hey, if the paintbrush fits, then paint! And that's just it; you cannot say that it's all one-sided. Both genders are equally responsible and at fault for playing the dating game. More and more, women are now taking on the same characteristics that have plagued men for centuries in this arena. My guess is that women are so sick and tired of being mistreated by men, that they are now taking the reigns and are more than willing to take what they need, rather than freely giving their hearts and souls over for fear of being hurt - again! It is much easier to act like men than it is to think as women do. But make no mistake, it's not what they willingly want to do, it's simply a matter of survival of the fittest!
Once upon a time, the reason for courting was to find a mate with the possible hopes and intentions of marriage someday - that's it! If there was no intention of this, then one would spend time meeting their needs or urges in a more bachelor/bachelorette type of way. Hence the origins of brothels where the sole purpose was to explore one's need for sexual conquests or escapades. If you had no intention to have your life ruffled up with feelings and talk of a relationship, one simply didn't get mixed up with dating life. Again, simple mathematics. But today, it's all backward.
Today, everyone is out there in the dating world, with absolutely no intention of being in a relationship. Everyone is galivanting around like a wolf in sheep's clothing. It's become dating with a side order of cruel intentions. They put on their best gentleman or lady mannerisms to capture their prey, using their psychological techniques to mislead, intimidate, demoralize and influence those with pure intentions, to stay in their world.
Now, I know that some of you out there are reading this thinking that it can't be this bad or that I am exaggerating the situation of dating altogether. That perhaps this post is being written by a cynical, damaged person who's had their heart broken, and is now spuing venom on the entire dating society. To those people I say, ask anyone around you, who finds themselves in the single, dating life today. But take cover, for they may hit you with worse tales of just how vicious life in this realm can truly be.
Everyone in this world today is doing whatever is necessary to fulfill their needs. I'd like to think that some people's intentions don't start off with any intended cruelty. I mean if it did, that would make everyone a monster, and this can't be the case. I still hold onto the idea that there are good people out there. However, I feel as though they may be a dying breed in this arena. It is all a cycle after all. You start off with good and pure intentions, then your heart gets destroyed and thrown aside, with no regard. Then, you become dark and filled with such anger and resentment that you become adopted by the other side. Your only mission (should you choose to accept it) is to divide and conquer. You become a soldier in the battle of love and the only objective is to never feel that level of pain ever again - no matter what. You become jaded and consumed with these thoughts that every person and every experience will be the same; and that you will never fall again. So you take only what you need and leave the rest. "The rest" signifies the heart of another unassuming person who is now where you once were -morphing them into who you have now become. Unknowingly? Perhaps, but I don't think so. Of course, you do, don't you? But, maybe you don't care because your salvation is so much more important than that of another. If your actions don't turn that person and they remain with the same amount of purity in their heart, to love another day - you have surely killed them psychologically in ways even they aren't aware of just yet.
So beware of the wolves out there. Keep your heart protected but not hidden. Be open but not stupid. Watch out for any red flags. Don't collect them, use them as a marker to move on, because your instincts and inner voice are never wrong. Remember that it's not good to paint others with the same brush but it's equally wrong to be color blind. People are really good at portraying themselves in a good light to capture your attention, but is their narrative consistent? Consistency and action are always key elements of truth. And know that the omission of truths is also lying - without question!
When you set out to find someone ask yourself this question: "Am I ready for love? Am I truly ready to be in a relationship?" If the answer is yes, then march on soldier. If the answer is anything other than yes, you have no business dating. For the love and hope of all hearts out there, do what you need to do first within yourself to get ready to say yes to all those things. Put in the work and make yourself whole first, because it is not the responsibility of anyone else to make you happy or ready. Leave the "rogue turned gentleman/lady" stories to the novelists. This isn't the 1800's. Make your storyline different.
There are so many people out there walking around broken from something, looking for other broken people to hold on to; and it's just not right. If we have any hope of changing the narrative of dating life today, we need to be honest with ourselves and make some changes.
If you are currently someone out there today, who is still trying desperately to get over someone else, don't ever think for a minute that you are ready to move on. If you do, you will be putting another in the position of trying to fill their shoes. Shoes that will never and can never be filled. You will hurt them and ultimately resent them for even trying. Whether you lost this person via a break-up or in death, take the time to grieve the loss. The length of time or process of this grieving will look different for everyone but, it's so important to do so for everyone's sake - especially yours. Sometimes, you may think you are over something and ready to begin again, but you may not be. If your heart doesn't tell you the timing is not right, your actions will.
If you are someone out there who has been single for a long time and is now looking to possibly start a relationship with another person, make sure you understand that your single ways have no place in this setting. Now, this is not to say that you should have to compromise who you are simply because you are now in a relationship. If it's a healthy one, your individuality will never be questioned. What it means is that everyone is different and how we see things, think about things and do things may vary - and that's natural. What isn't natural is to have the desire to be part of a team but always have the "I instinct" ready. Being part of a team naturally means that you take on a different mindset. Some people just aren't there yet but try to force it. A fatal mistake, so don't make it!
If you are a person currently "trying out a relationship" and still find the urge to hit up or befriend the opposite sex (who are basically strangers to you), in way of social media, the workplace, social settings, etc, you surely must know that this is not healthy behavior that is practiced when you are already with someone. In your eyes, it begins organically with absolutely no ill intention (bullshit) but this can easily escalate to something more. Before you know it, you are hiding these friends and conversations, hiding your "whereabouts" and more. And if you are generally a closed person, not easily willing to open up and share yourself or life with others - this just adds more fuel to this fire. At the end of the day, if you're with someone, you should not be adding women you barley know to your social media page and denying it, having or hiding private conversations, sharing private photos or texts with people of the opposite sex without your their knowledge. Things done this way easily become secrets or omissions of truths. You may try to tell yourself that the person you are with is too emotional about things of this nature, or that they are too insecure and may be jealous if they knew but I think it speaks volumes about you, not them. You tell yourself that you hide things for their benefit - to save them from being hurt or over-reacting and that you are doing nothing wrong, but that's a story we like to tell ourselves, isn't it? If you were open about things, they may not easily react in the ways described. People tend to have this normal reaction to things done behind their back - and rightfully so. I don't think anyone would appreciate it. We are all so quick to call or label others as "crazy" or "clingy" in these situations instead of looking in the mirror and questioning our own behavior. "Have I done anything to merit this reaction?" "Have I been perfectly honest with them about my feelings and/or actions?" "Have I dropped the ball here and left this person in the dark?" Something to think about!
The worst a person can do to another is finding out all their truths and past hurts, only to use it to destroy them in the same way again. You know what truly has broken them in the past and you chose to do the same thing. You are the worst kind of wolf. Taking what you need, hardly there to give in return, except in the ways you want - only when you want. Staying closed off while they pour their heart out hoping that someday you will trust them enough to do the same. Giving them hope that they can fix your broken pieces too. Promising tomorrows that never come and someday walking away, leaving them to draw their own conclusions to what has happened. Sure, you may have done some things that were noble and considered kind but know that all of the good you do is destroyed and easily becomes overshadowed by all of the bad that you do. It's just the truth. So we are clear, that is not love, that is not unity. That is nothing. But, I digress.
We could speak all day on what's wrong with the story of dating today, but again, I believe the math is simple and the writing on the wall - all things we already know. Everyone who finds themselves in this arena really needs to do better and be better. No more excuses, no more selfishness, no more blaming or pointing fingers toward others. Take ownership and responsibility for your actions and just be truthful - to yourselves and those you encounter in this setting. Otherwise, there will be no pure hearts left. Of this I am certain.
I'll start. I have by no means been a saint in this world but, I have learned from my past mistakes. Today, I never go into any situation to hurt others. This is not to say that I have always been ready for a relationship in the beginning but when I enter one I know that my intentions are real and honorable. I have been killed in the art of love more times than I ever care to mention, and yes, at times (most times), I bring old wounds into new beginnings - but that stops now. Now I fill my own cup full, I love myself first and commit to my own happiness alone. At least, this is what I am currently working on. When I am ready, (and I will be ready), I will love the right man God brings to my life with all that I have. I have always loved with every inch of my being, but it's been with a damaged soul, believing in the lies and bullshit that is brought to my table - hoping that the story is finally true. But next time, it will be and I will know for sure.