The Right Kind of Love

Remember the girl who would rearrange her entire life for a man she just met? The one who mistook his interest for destiny, his presence for purpose?

Yeah, I remember her too. I loved her—but we don’t live the same way anymore.

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The Shift

Over the past few years, my life has changed in subtle but seismic ways. The kind of change that doesn’t always show up in pictures or milestones, but in the quiet way you say “no”. In the ease with which you choose yourself.

I used to believe that my worth was tied to how wanted I was. That if I was in a relationship, I was validated. That if a man texted me back, I mattered. If I wasn’t alone, I was winning.

A compliment felt like currency. A date felt like a test. Their attention? My entire self-worth hung in the balance.

That version of me? She tried. She wanted so badly to be wanted, to be chosen, to be kept. And she was always willing to compromise everything she was just to belong to someone else. But let’s be clear: that wasn’t love. That was fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being behind. Fear of not being good enough unless someone else said I was.

But here I am—three, maybe four years later—living proof that it gets better when you get better.

But here’s the hard truth I had to unlearn:

Being with someone isn’t the goal.

Being with the right someone—while not losing yourself—is.

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The Audacity to Grow

I once would’ve skipped being with friends, silenced my dreams, and rescheduled my entire day just to make a man feel more secure. I’d hand over pieces of my time, my spirit, my attention—before he even asked for my story.

And then one day, I simply… didn’t.

Not because I’m jaded. Not because I’m bitter.

Because I’ve healed. Because I’m grounded. Because I know better now.

Healing looks different for everyone. Lately, I've realized more and more that my healing isn’t loud. I've subtly moved away from negotiating my worth with others who haven't even earned the right to hear my story, let alone share my life in a romantic way. Many times that settling of self-respect makes us complacent and lonely - even if we are with someone. However, we need to come to the understanding for ourselves, that a connection that costs you your soul, is tragic.

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I’m Not “Too Much.” You’re Just Not Enough for Me.

Let me be clear: I still believe in love. Deeply. Passionately. Unapologetically. But I don’t believe in performing for it. I don’t believe in making myself small to earn crumbs of affection. I don’t believe in giving men the blueprint to become who I’m looking for.

I want someone who already is.

I’m not handing out cheat codes to be mimicked. I’m not playing Build-A-Man. If I have to tell you exactly what kind of man I need so you can shape-shift into it, then you’re not him.

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The False Advertisement Era Is Over

Ladies (and gents), you’re not alone in feeling like you’ve dated a résumé. Like someone pitched their “ideal partner” version of themselves, only for you to discover the real them later.

Men complain about women wearing filters, lashes, and shapewear—like it’s a bait-and-switch. But trust me, the emotional filters? The personality shapewear? The I-read-your-profile-and-I’ll-be-that-guy act? It’s real. And it’s exhausting.

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I’m Not Cold. I’m Clear.

I’m clear about what I need.

Clear about what I won’t tolerate.

Clear about the kind of love I want, the peace I protect, and the dignity I carry.

Yes, I still get lonely. I still want someone to come home to. But not at the cost of my peace. Not in exchange for my identity. Not just to avoid being alone at weddings or sitting solo at Sunday brunch.

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You’re Not Asking Too Much. You’re Asking the Wrong One.

I will absolutely make time for the right man. But you need to show me you’re worthy of the time I’d be giving. Not just assume you deserve it because you smiled and asked for my number.

The old me would’ve tried to prove I was lovable.

The woman I am now? I already know I am.

I don’t perform love. I live it. With discernment. With grace. With clarity.

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 Remember the girl who chose herself and her life choices over explaining to a man she just gave her number to why she can't make him the center of her universe immediately? What a concept, huh? The old me would have dropped everything to sooth his ego; the new me has better things to do!

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If you’re healing, growing, and learning to choose yourself—keep going. Your worth is not up for negotiation. Your peace is not a concession prize. And the right person will never require you to dim to be loved.

"The love letter you write to yourself will far exceed the magic of the one written to you by another". - Gia Laurent