I have been in and out of the same relationship for a while now. I have broken away from it and come back, more times than I can remember. If I am honest, I have to admit that the problem with this relationship has always been me. I have been down-right mean, cruel, and extremely judgmental and there is simply no excuse. The truth is I fell out of love a long time ago. It’s been so long that I don’t even really know all the reasons why anymore.
Strangely throughout all of this, my mind and my heart have never let go. Over the past several months I've found myself thinking about this relationship more and more. About how I wish I could just go back and fix things - as I have always regretted watching our bond die.
The relationship I am speaking of is the one with myself.
Looking back now, I can see that my thoughts and perceptions of myself didn't start off as my own. All the things that I took on, said, felt, and believed of myself came from something or someone else's perception of me. Then, it transformed itself into my own truth. I began to believe that my worth and value in this life were directly related to what others thought or believed of me. Over time, this thought process and negative talk manifested itself into resentment and hate until one day, I just couldn’t see myself being with me for the rest of my life. And so the abuse began. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and worst of all physically. So what do you do when you realize what a fool you've been? When you finally realize that you want another chance to prove yourself worthy again? You get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
Today, I decided to take myself out on a spiritual hike. As I walked through a beautiful path, I thought about all the things I have put my body through, what I have allowed my mind to hear me say about myself, and all the times I purposely ignored the cries of my soul. I thought about how unkind I have been and how I never cared to correct it. I was utterly disgusted. I would never speak (or treat) anyone else this way, nor would I ever stand by and witness this happening to someone else- yet I have allowed this treatment to go on for myself. It cut me deep. So deep that at one point, I realized that I was crying. The more I remembered, the faster I walked. The faster my pace got, the harder I cried. I finally had to sit down and just let it all out.
Many see crying as a sign of weakness and defeat, but I see the opposite. To me, tears are a way to cleanse yourself. It's a humble act where you are asking for something - strength, courage, or in my case forgiveness. By allowing yourself permission to be vulnerable in this way is a most humbling experience. One that should be applauded, not ridiculed
Then, out of nowhere, I felt a sudden feeling of peace wash over me. Something was trying to comfort me, speak to me. So I did the only thing I hadn't done in a very long time - I got real quiet and listened.
So, she (my soul) began to speak. She started with "I forgive you" It was then that I remembered the most spectacular thing about our soul. That no matter how lost we become, we can always find our way back. When we break up with ourselves (regardless of the reason(s)) our soul is ready to forgive us and welcomes us home -no questions asked.
She continued with "I love you" That if anything, it has grown with each hurtful thing I had done and said to us over the years. That even in times of painful ridicule by others (that I allowed), it was then that her love for me shined the brightest - giving me the strength to endure. That with each tear shed and each pound gained she allowed my body to carry me through. Finally, she ended with, "I will never allow you to give up on us" And with this, I began to cry again. After a long and much-needed talk, I am happy to report that we are back together once again. The entire ritual left me with more joy, peace, and happiness than I have felt in a long time. We both know that it will be a “work in progress” type of journey, but we are willing to make that commitment to us.
I urge you all to become more mindful of how you speak to yourself. Take it from me, it can harm you in ways that you cannot begin to imagine. For most of us, we are fortunate enough to be given the grace to come back from it and change the narrative, but for others, time runs out, and it becomes too late. It is easy to give in to the negative talk, but we must make every effort to change.
We must learn to be kind to ourselves and treat our souls with compassion - especially in times when it's most difficult to do so. Always remember that by speaking poorly of yourself, gives other people permission to do the same. However, it is equally important to pay attention to how others speak to and treat you. Don't allow yourself to be belittled because it can easily manifest into how you see yourself. Never allow your mental or spiritual light to be diminished by what others think of you. Their opinion of you is none of your damn business. All that matters is how you see yourself. Learn to be powerful and demonstrate it to others. Be proud of who you are, in every season - no matter what
