Do you ever get unsettled? You know, that feeling in the pit of your stomach where you just never feel quite right? Almost like at any moment something could happen? Some people call this sensation butterflies, but that for me has always had a positive connotation. Of course, many mental health professionals will argue that feeling any kind of butterflies in your stomach is a sign of concern. That there is no such thing as positive butterflies, like being in love or running into the most handsome stranger by chance, on the subway. If you're feeling unsettled, this is your body's way of telling you that you are feeling nervous about a situation or worse, that things in your life just aren't right.
To say that I'm just feeling small bouts of fluttering around in my body would be the understatement of the year. These days, I'm feeling downright uneasy.
If I had to explain the sensation, it would go something like this: Waking up each day with a knot in my throat. Like I tried to swallow something that just didn't go down right. There's a continual ache in my chest where my heart lies within - palpitating and skipping beats at its' leisure. My bones cry out in subtle pain as if I spent the night hitting a wall, over and over again. I tremble when I walk or standstill. I jump every time the phone rings. My stomach growls in hunger - whether I've eaten or not. It almost feels like there's something in there, eating everything away - leaving me with very little energy or nutrients to live. I feel so tired and yet I can't sleep. I am empty, scared, nervous, and frustrated - all at once. It's because every aspect of my life has been shattered. Any innocence I had or experienced is now gone. The saddest part of all .... no one can help me. I have to figure this out and deal with it all on my own.
I have a lot going on in my world right now and it's been the craziest year of my life, to say the least. So, it's only natural that I am feeling all these unsettled emotions within. This is what I've heard from family, friends, and professionals all year long. I get all that but it doesn't help to hear that what I feel is "okay" At times it makes things worse. I'm not looking for permission to feel this way, nor am I looking for reasons as to why I'm feeling the way I am. I know what I've been dealing with has been catastrophic in nature (more about that when I'm ready to tell the world), but it still hurts my soul.
A year or two ago, if someone would have asked me what I wanted more than anything, my answer would have been simple - to be happy! Happy is a great emotion. It would mean that I was content, satisfied, that life was filled with sunshine and pleasure, and all was right in the world. If you asked me the same question today I would say - calm. See, happiness is great and many people are but, how many of us can say that we are truly calm or at peace in our soul? I want to feel calm every second of every day. That is my wish. A bit impossible in today's world, I know, but this is certainly one of my missions for the year to come; to get as close to this as I can.
Think about it. How wonderful would it be to feel at peace in your life? That no matter what happened, who came and went in it, no matter the financial or material gains and losses or health concerns- you would always feel calm about it all. Your mind, body, and spirit are conditioned to just be okay. If this was possible to attain, it would be worth all the riches in the world.
I can seek all the therapy in the world, read a million self-love/self-help books from Oprah's book club, meditate all day long, and have all the support I need from loved ones - but I just don't think that's enough anymore. I need more. I need to wind my own clock somehow. Change everything. Start over. I cannot hide from the inevitable things that are causing me angst at the moment, I know. That will take time, but, I need to feel safe again. I need to find my own peace in this world. It may mean moving, changing careers, lifestyle habits, and getting out of my comfort zone. Whatever it takes, I must do it. Otherwise, this feeling will just eat away and eventually kill me.
I think many of us have gone through this type of unsettledness at one point or another. I admit that I've had my moments but, never like this. I've come to a crossroads in my life, yet again. But this time, my inner voice is telling me that EVERYTHING must change. All must be new. A new thing is coming, and I have to listen to it. Perhaps all the uneasiness is because of this stuff on the horizon, I don't know. Change will do that. All I know is that I don't want to wake up every day feeling unsettled anymore. So, I must do whatever it takes to get rid of it.
Whatever I do, wherever I go, I know that my peace is found in God. There is where I shall start.