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A New Year In February

We are arriving at the end of February.

This is the time that most people begin to get down on themselves and fall to judgment about how they’ve already failed to make a lasting change in their new commitments for the “New Year” It’s easy to judge the entire year based on a few months but, it truly is just the beginning.

My 2020 did not begin well or happy for that matter. In fact, my 2019 ended in the death of a dear friend and 2020 began with the illness of a loved one. I’ve been riddled with anguish, pain, and uncertainty this new year and have been very “stuck” at ground zero with my purpose and emotions. But then late last night an epiphany.

Every year we learn something. After all, isn’t that the meaning of “new year”?  If we aren’t being taught at every turn we cannot / will not evolve as people. December-February has given me both some valuable lessons and tools to use in my journey.  I had to be taught certain things to change and move forward.

I’m learning that planning your life is not the answer. In fact, it’s silly to do so. I was always the girl with the “5-year plan “ and for what when tomorrow is never promised to any of us. I’m not living my life “daily”. I’m not making myself happy. I’m subjecting myself to guilt and fear because of the possible shame or ridicule of others. Because of that I always put myself last and find it much easier to concentrate on doing for others. I’m continuously chasing love, approval, respect, and recognition for everyone around me - both from those I know and from those I don’t.  I diminish my worth because I wasn’t blessed with having beautiful things, or a big house, a loving husband, being a mother or because I’ve never really had money.  None of this should mean or say to others that I am less than but yet, it does. Sadly, if I am being honest, I beat myself up about these things just as much as they do. I admit that I have always had a hard time with just being thankful and grateful for what I do have because I am too busy chasing and complaining about what I don't have or what life owes me. I am painfully being taught at every turn that life doesn't owe me a damn thing - never has and never will.

We say we try to change. That we’ve tried everything but nothing is working. But, have we? Have we really? No! At least, that’s the answer for me. No!  What I should be saying is that I am tired. Tired of only trying my usual ways, putting in a half-ass effort. I cannot expect a different result if I put in the same energy. That's some real talk, right there. But, If I want things to change, I have to be honest with myself. I am being taught this too. Yet, the biggest lesson I am learning is to also give myself a break. Be real yes but, be kind to me in the process.

We cannot change what happens to us but we can alter anything through feeling.  Feelings are based around emotion and emotion is something we own, something we control. So in actuality, we can control how we react and feel toward things in life. I realized yesterday that my belief in anything should be my religion to live. My belief must outweigh the fear I have or I will die a poor, sad, unloved and unaccomplished soul. And that would be the saddest thing of all.

So, if your “new year” has started out anything but beautiful and glittery, then I urge you to dig deeper and see what’s beneath the surface of it all. Seek to find the meaning behind what the universe is trying to teach you and apply it. It’s the only way to reach the next level of human existence.

Far from an easy task, I agree. And we will definitely struggle in many moments when we fall back down the rabbit hole, but like any other living soul, we get up and try again. Keep moving. Keep living. Keep fighting for yourself. If not you, then who?  Who will ever fight for you harder than you will? The answer should be NO-ONE!

So let’s start again, shall we?!   Happy New Year, Everyone!

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