Updated: Feb 23, 2020
I cannot remember the last time that I did anything for you whole-heartedly.
I’ve done nothing but mistreat and abuse you in every way, for decades. I’m not only sorry but truly and utterly ashamed of my behavior toward you all this time. I’ve disrespected you in every way and allowed others to do the same. I’ve ridiculed and blamed you for not giving me the opportunity to be proud of the temple I own. I've hated you, rather than loved you, been ashamed of you and hidden you, instead of owning you. All I’ve done is neglect you in every way. Punishing you by feeding you harmful things and keeping you in a paralyzing, inactive coma.
In return, you have done nothing but allowed me the chance to move and carry on every day. No matter how sick you’ve been or how tired I’ve made you. You have not failed me. You allow my heart to beat each day and give me room to breathe. Anyone/Anything else would have abandoned me a long time ago but you, you stay. You believe in me when I have long since ceased believing in you. You carry and lift me when my spirit cannot and religiously hold true to the notion that someday I will raise you up- giving you the love and respect you deserve. For reasons unknown to me, you trust me and feel it deep in our soul that we can do just about anything, together.
I’m deeply sorry and I am disgusted at my behavior. Today, I ask, no beg, for your forgiveness.
I want to thank you for being so kind, so loving and so very patient with me. For taking it slow and allowing me to understand and truly hear what it is you really need from me. For understanding that this journey of ours is my most difficult challenge and that I'm probably going to get it wrong a hundred more times before I finally get it right. Thank you most for always reaching out to me, whenever I fall off the wagon and succumb to my old ways. Your love, unwavering and your support, always unconditional. I have seen many bodies give up on others and am beyond grateful that you see something in me, in us, to carry on and stay right by my side – every step of the way. Lord knows I don’t deserve you.
I don’t have all the answers. I am not always strong. There will be days when the addict in me will surface and reign true, allowing my spirit to fall. These are what I call “the empty days” when I feel helpless, worthless and cannot find meaning in anything. But, it’s during those days that I will need you to love me most. It is then that I will need you to work with my mind and spirit to help me back up so that I can deliver myself from all the unnecessary evils. I’m not saying that I will never fail you again because I will. I’m human after all and must allow for such things. If I don’t, I will only cause myself more destruction and disillusion, and I think I’ve done enough of that already. All I ask of you is more time and patience. That you continue to work with me and keep strong along the way. I promise that better days are ahead and someday, I will make you proud.
To whoever is out there reading this, It’s time that we stop abusing our bodies and create self-worth instead. Today, I thankfully have an incredible team of people behind me and I am on the road to recovery and self-love.