Lately, I've been painfully reminded that on the journey to healing, you will have days that aren't so perfect. In fact, you will have days that will downright destroy you if you let them. Just when you think that you've changed and are looking at a new road in front of you, old triggers and anxieties suddenly resurface like a bad dream, leaving you crying in a corner with your knees to your chest. It throws you right back into all those feelings of hopelessness and dread, causing you to doubt all the progress you've made.
Suddenly, all those negative thoughts are looping around in your mind again, making you feel like everything you've been working so hard for is unreachable. You recognize the old voices in your brain, laughing at you, trying to remind you that you are never going to have what you want.
The most frustrating part of it all is how easily we fall victim to all these old habits and feelings when they surface. No matter how far you've come, how much you've learned, and all the changes you've incorporated to this point, it all falls away when something bad happens.
My emotions easily get the better of me and I succumb to who I used to be. Within seconds, it diminishes all the growth I've made, leaving me feeling worthless. I immediately become enraged with myself, like I should know better, do better, be better. I've gone down this road so many times, shouldn't things be different? Should I not be able to handle my emotions by now? In these moments I feel utterly defeated.
What I cannot see in that moment of turmoil is that there actually has been some progress made. When I fail to see this, I am blessed to have loved ones around me that continuously remind me of how far I've actually come.
What is now different is the length of time it takes for me to bounce back from the fall. Usually, my road of destruction would last weeks. Today, I am grateful that I can clear out the negativity and stop all the noise within a few days. I am reminded that the path to healing is never linear and that self-love is the ointment that will remedy all my re-opened wounds. My once hurtful words to myself are now replaced with devotion and understanding.
I am learning that nothing is perfect, and that includes our feelings and fears. In time, how we choose to confront situations and the emotions we give them can change, but we must understand that it will take time. We must recognize that a lifetime of looking at things a certain way will not just magically alter overnight simply because we want it to. We need to be patient with ourselves and understand that there is no clear-cut path to inner peace.
There is nothing that can shield you from having to confront what is going to happen to you in this life. All we can do is arm ourselves with knowledge, and where my human mind falls short, my spirit will take over and guide me in faith. All I know is that I can not stay stuck the way I used to. I need to work through it all and move forward. I can't give up now.
The path to healing takes so much strength and courage, both of which you will always feel you are lacking. The closer you get to something great, the harder the road becomes, and I think it is meant to be that way for a reason. I heard someone say once that if you continuously feel the devil at your heels, you must be close to greatness. I am beginning to think that this may be true.
So I remain a work in progress, with God as the sculptor of my life. I don't know where I'll end up, but whatever happens, I know it will be where I'm meant to be. I can't promise myself that I won't be afraid of the roads I will have to travel on to get to where I want to be, but I know I won't be alone. Uncomfortable setbacks are just as much a part of the plan as the wonderful moments are. I have to be grateful for all the lessons.
Healing is limitless. It's an infinite and eternal cycle of roads to travel to become whole. Everything you experience comes full circle. At times what we initially see as a setback, can actually be a setup for something else. Sometimes, the worst things that happen to you, lead you to the best things, and I am definitely ready for it.